10,000 things you should not say to your whale of a pregnant wife

Mikey likes to dig holes. Sometimes, he reaches China Canada. He’s been digging a lot of holes lately, but I still love him.
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While we were in the car, on our way to work, Mikey noticed my leggings and decided to give me a “compliment”: “Wow! Nice! It’s see-through!”
Me: “It’s not supposed to be see-through. It’s just stretched out because I’m fat.”
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After sorting out our laundry one day, Mikey handed me a couple of old (but newly laundered) boxer briefs: “these are too small for me already. Maybe you can wear them?”
I walked out of the room in protest. But I ended up using them anyway. They’re very comfortable.
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Shocked by the appearance of my over night stretch marks, I waddled to Mikey to complain. He lifts his shirt up and exclaims: “It’s okay! We’re the same na!”
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One afternoon, I noticed how much weight Mikey lost (because of his extended diarrhea episode). We’ve been together since early 2011 and in the five years together, so much has changed.  Even our bodies! Curiously, I asked him: “Can you describe the evolution of my body since we got together?”
Mikey: “You were sexy the whole time, and now you’re pregnant!”
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As I struggled to get up from bed, Mikey noticed and helped me up. He then said: “Can I show you how to get up? I have over 20 years of experience as a fat man and now I can pass it on to you.”
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While I was packing our lunch in the kitchen, Mikey came up to me to say good-morning to Squishy:
Mikey: Good morning, Squish! Look! You’re going to have a PB&J later! Yummy!
Me: It’s just an emergency sandwich. I have a meeting at 10 AM and they’ll probably feed us.
Mikey: Squish, you’re going to have a PB&J later!
Me: …
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