There’s a growing guilt that I’ve had to deal with these last few weeks.
At work, I am a one-man team. Last year, I was practically running an office that catered to the entire University with the supervision of my boss. And I was teaching and I had a few other research projects going on in the side. And I loved it. I liked the feeling that people were getting their money’s worth by hiring me.
But lately, I’ve been tired, nauseated, unable to walk long distances, and unable stand for long periods of time. I chose to give up teaching because of this. And while I’ve been able to fulfill all of my administrative duties (I’ve really maximized our new Office Assistant—thank goodness she was able to start at the beginning of the term), I don’t feel like I can go over and beyond like I used to. And that makes me feel guilty. Worse, I feel like a stereotype.
The darkest thought that I had (the night of the misplaced bug zapper), was that I’m ashamed to be pregnant—me, a thirty year old, married woman. I had to quickly shake this off, because I don’t ever want Squishy to feel unwanted and unloved.
I guess it’s just hard because work was such a central aspect of my identity. And I feel vulnerable without it. I also believe that the reason why my husband and I are so happy together is because we have such rich work lives apart. Will that change if I choose to stay home with Squishy?
Now that I’m with Squishy, the dream is to find a job that will allow me to work mostly from home and be a full time mom to my kid for the first three or four years of his/her life. Fingers crossed.
I’m half way through my 8th week now! One more month to go before the much-raved about second trimester!
P.S. My husband made me cry the other night by surprising me with an order of KFC’s chicken macaroni salad. I was nauseated all night and I didn’t want to get out of bed for dinner. The chicken macaroni salad was perfect.